What went wrong with Mrs Right?

Ann Gadd

“When we first moved in together I felt I’d at last found the relationship I’d been seeking my whole life. Carol and I had amazing fun together and whereas I am extrovert, her quiet shyness sort of balanced me. She is petite, almost frail whereas I’m tall and more robust. She works regular office hours, and I’m a journalist for the local newspaper, so I often work night shifts, coming home in the small hours of the morning. She nags me the whole time though. I work hard, and deserve to relax and have fun even if I do sometimes go a bit overboard. I sometimes feel she doesn’t really understand me. Before we met, I’d had lots of lovers, whereas this was only her second relationship. The opposites are numerous, but seemed to be the glue that attracted us to each other initially. Together we felt whole,” said Glenda. “But in the last year or so, things just aren’t what they used to be. I can feel she is often irritated with me and I seem to spend my life feeling bad about what I should or should not have done.”

Sound familiar?

So often in the early stages of a relationship we feel completed by the other person, only to find out that the very things we loved about them, now irritate us. This is what Carol had to say: “In the beginning I loved the way Glenda would get me to loosen up and be more frivolous. Her laid-back outgoing carefree manner appealed to my bookkeeping orderliness. Now however, I just find myself getting more and more irritated and frustrated with her. She truly doesn’t care if there a pile of dirty dishes in the sink and ignores the unmade bed, seldom ever thinking about making it. The result is I end up picking and cleaning up after her and I’m fed up with it. If I bring it up she laughs it off as my being too much of a perfectionist. I’m tired of her messing things up – she just won’t learn! I don’t think she really is listening to what I’m telling her.”

Duality and the Seesaw

So who is wrong in this situation and who is right? Depending on your own nature you will probably leap to defend either Glenda or Carol, and battle to understand how anybody could possibly think otherwise. There are however, opposing types of behavior or archetypes here. If they could understand what dynamics are at play, it will help them to heal the rift between them.

In a relationship with someone, there is an interaction of energies constantly at play. What you do affects the other and vice versa. It’s a sort of a dance where what one does causes the other to respond in a certain way. You may think you are acting independently, but you are each pulling the others energetic strings. It’s a bit like being on a seesaw together. If the one person shifts position, the other will automatically be affected.

Archetypes in Opposition

Common archetypes found in relationships are

• the parent/child

• the tyrant/victim

• the slob/perfectionist

• the priest/prostitute

• the miser/spendthrift

• and the rescuer/princess

These roles we (mostly) unconsciously act out often slipping into various different archetypes depending on the circumstances or people we are with. Your reprimanding and controlling parent archetype emerges, most often in response to your partner’s withdrawn and sulky child archetype. Or when your partner is playing the role of extrovert, the chances are you are quietly sitting in the introverted background. Much of the time we learn to tolerate each others’ differences, but when we slip too far on the opposite ends of the see-saw, sparks usually fly, communication breaks down or we slip into a hostile resentful silence.

Irrespective of whether we are gay or straight, whenever two people are in a relationship, be it as lovers, friends or work colleagues, these archetypes can emerge.

What Archetypes are occurring between Glenda and Carol?

Not only are the “slob” and the “perfectionist” at play in Glenda and Carol’s relationship, but the “parent” and the “child” are also opposing each other. Carol, using phrases such as “she won’t listen to me,” and “I’m tired of her messing things up – she just won’t learn,” all are indications that Carol has assumed the role of the critical parent, while Glenda is playing the rebellious child. Her use of sentences such as: “I sometimes feel she doesn’t really understand me, “and “I deserve to relax and have fun,“ to excuse unacceptable behavior, are typical of a rebel “child” archetype at play. While at times being a nurturing “parent” or a playful “child” are healthy in a relationship, we do need to connect with our “adult,” if the relationship is to be mutually fulfilling. Who wants to always be a parent?

When will he/she change?

If only he/she would change, then I could be happy. This is a myth we live with, the point being why should they change and if it’s not beneficial to your partner in some way, why would they want to? In most cases you could wait a very long time.

To heal the relationship will take the ability to transcend the need for their own behavior to be acknowledged as right and for both Glenda and Carol to accept each as they are. To reach in the place of intimacy or into me see (and accept all that I am). In being able to communicate adult to adult, they will loose the need to adopt the negative aspects of the “parent” and “child. “ The same can be said for the other opposing archetypes of the “slob” and “perfectionist.” So rather then than wait for your partner to change, if you want the dynamics of a relationship to shift, you can start with yourself. It’s harder in one sense, because blaming another person is a role we more easily fall into (and besides, its infinitely more attractive!). Ultimately though, it will cause frustration and one has to accept that it’s not the duty of any other person to fulfill us or make us happy. Only we can do this for ourselves. If your Mr/s Right appears to have gone wrong, then looking for what opposing archetypes which could be causing friction and working to understand them, could help.

— Ann Gadd, author